I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
