yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
