my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize