So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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