Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize