Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
