New invention idea: vibrating tampons
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
