I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
