Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
