i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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