he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
