this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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