Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
FUCK WHALES
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
