stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize