Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
