Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
