i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize