listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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