she woke up with a sticky ear
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
