My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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