sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
