i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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