yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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