i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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