i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
