Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize