I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
