I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
