I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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