This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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