I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
