home. puking in laundry basket.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I think I sprained my soul last night
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
