If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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