Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm having to shit out rocks
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
