I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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