3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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