It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
