I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
