I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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