I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
