I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
