I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
