You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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