What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
