I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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