I heard we made out
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
