You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
