ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
