If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
