Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
