listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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