my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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