nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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