Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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