worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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