Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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